Dear People Who Criticize Me for Wishing You a “Happy Holiday”

Posted December 21, 2015 by in Lifestyle

Dear people who criticize me for wishing you a “happy holiday”,

Fuck you. If you see me working retail this joyous holiday season, and I greet you with a “happy holidays” don’t give me a half hour lecture about how I should be wishing you a Merry Christmas. I don’t have some magic faith radar that clues me in on what shitty religion you practice in your free time, so just accept my “happy holidays” for what it is: a genuine hope for peace and success for you in this season and beyond.

If I, or any other retail worker had that magic faith radar, then we would be psychic, and if we were psychic, we would have some stupid reality show on some bullshit TV network and not be here talking to you. But we don’t, so here we are, working what no one considers a dream job, and yet we still find the spirit within us to wish you well. The fact is we don’t know what religion you celebrate because in America we have people of all different faiths. This is the United States of America, not the United States of You. If you want to keep the “Christ in Christmas”, just ask yourself “what would Jesus do?” Jesus, your lord and savior, wouldn’t be walking around criticizing people for giving a heart-felt sentiment of good tidings in this festive season. You know why he wouldn’t? Because Jesus wasn’t a douche, so you shouldn’t be either.

Oh, and to the nice elderly person who told me that “people aren’t even allowed to wish you a Happy New Year anymore”: I don’t know what Fox News watching, Barack Obama Birth Certificate Questioning, delusional asshole sent you the chain e-mail that said that, but if you are going to be modern enough to have e-mail, then be modern enough to go to Google and fact check that shit. No one is saying you can’t wish anyone a happy new year, because happy new year applies to everyone, as does wishing someone a happy holiday.

I give zero fucks whether someone wishes me a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Festivus, Happy Holiday, Happy Tuesday, Happy Whatever, because they are taking time to wish me well. And if you get offended if someone wishes you a Merry Christmas or Merry Whatever because you don’t celebrate that, then fuck you too. People are passing on good fortune through their faith which probably means a lot to them, so just accept it for what it is and go about your horrible day.


Brandon Monokian